Collected Years

senior prom, 2013

Some things in life are instantaneous. Some good and some not so good. Most things are a process though. Motherhood is this way. We seem to constantly be in the process of something with our children. And it can be so painful. Sometimes I, well, maybe often, I feel so lost, wondering what all I have done or not done that has helped or hurt her.

When they are little, it's more physical things, like how many inches they grew since their last check-up. Or when the next tooth is coming in. As they grow up not only do they not need us as physically anymore; playing in the sandbox or running around the backyard with them, but we begin a different process. Wondering when we'll see if the foundation we've given them has taken root. As our kids start to grow in their "grown" years, and they start detaching and finding independence outside us, and exploring with self-expression, they need us more than ever around the clock emotionally and mentally. It can be exhausting but we know that relationship is key in guiding them. But still we wait. It's a process.

Then you start to see your kid is loved genuinely by all "cliques" in school and their teachers because you taught them when they were in pre-school to befriend everyone and that we are all created equal. You see their leadership skills in action because you taught them to get involved in grade-school and to help others who might need it. You told them to let their light shine, so they could be a blessing to others. You see them immersed in activities because you encouraged them to do whatever they wanted and to try new things, and to follow through. You see them thriving with community because you showed them your whole life how important it was to do life with others. You see them loving God and others, and worshipping God because when they were 4 you told them how loving He is but that it was their choice to love Him back and to give Him their heart, because He is a genuine God and wants our love to be real. It's when you see your daughter wear a purity ring at the age of 13 because you taught her that she doesn't have to conform, and you see her have courage and no shame in wearing it and standing for something that is important to her. You see her interact with adults so nicely because you taught her manners are timeless and to say "please and thank you" at the age of 6 months, and to be social. These are the sorts of things we wait so anxiously for, wondering what their next heart move will be. And when you see it, you are blown away in amazement because it's so beautiful. You are profoundly humbled, not by what you have taught them or instilled in them, but because of what they chose to do with what they were given. I've waited nearly 20 years for this.

I will see my daughter graduate in 2 weeks, and she will take her collected years, moments, teachings, and guidance into her new life and I will be sitting there at the commencement with every possible good thing overflowing in my heart, ready to spill out because this girl has done my heart and soul, so so good.

My Face Is Changing

Making Peace with a New Face

What does your face show? As I look at photos of myself recently, I do see aging. And not in a negative way. After almost 40 years, I am starting to see a woman who is coming together, and standing in a lot of victory. But still has a long way to go.

As I am looking into how I am going to say goodbye to my only child in August (as she leaves for college), it's evident to me that it will be another milestone that I confidently will find victory in. I doubt myself-that I can't live without her. Hey, you try getting a kid at 19 or 20, you'll see the bond is so deep there aren't words to describe it. I've built my adult life around this child, around motherhood. The last 20 years.

But back to being victorious as a woman. What have you found victory in? I know as years to come I inevitably will age even more, and faster. And I will then, with God at my side, see more victory. Our faces hold so much--sadness, joy, pain, distress, confusion, happiness, laughter, despair, excitement, fright, relief, and so much more. My face has experienced all of those and a million others.

There is satisfaction in seeing how I'm aging in the last year or two. I look at a girl, who has been so broken and down and out for many many years, and who has faced so much hardship and difficulty. But then I  found my prince, and then was broken again for years. I see triumph in the trials I've faced, persevering through an illness that has fought to keep me down for years. I've had happiness, joy and severe pain. I'm constantly moving to my hearts beat. Always wanting to dig deeper, find the meaning, and grow in wisdom. I put my all in everything I do, and in all my relationships because I know that that is where life is found and where we feel complete and connected. Only to be burned. But who hasn't? We have all lost, loved, and started over. I feel like I'll be starting over in less than 4 months.

I am happy and feel peace that as I go forth with this new life waiting for me in the next 6 months, that I can confidently post of photo of myself on FB, or on my blog-- and my daughter will know that I think I am beautiful. And you're beautiful. That I stand in victory over much and more to come. To tell your child that you are finally to a place where you have self acceptance is probably your greatest gift to her. 

What victories does your face show? Are you seeing aging, but embracing it? Can you tell your son or daughter that you think you are beautiful and that you accept yourself? Flaws, perfect imperfections and all? 

Less Of A Woman

I am not less of a woman

if I don't cook every night,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I have rooms long over

due for a cleaning,

I'm not less of a woman

if I have laundry or dishes

piled,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I don't have my own

chickens in the backyard

for fresh egg eatin',

I'm not less of a woman 

if I can't but organic food

for my family,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I forget my camera at 

important kids programs,

I'm not less of a woman
if I am battling an illness
or live with chronic pain,

I'm not less of a woman

if I didn't make a check

next to everything on my

to do list for today,

I'm not less of a woman

if I'm too tired for intimacy,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I raise my voice at my 

children,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I don't have a college degree,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I don't work outside 

of the home,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I don't get to travel the

globe,

I'm not less of a woman

if I wear sweatpants

all day long,

I'm not less of a woman

if I don't churn my own butter

bake my own bread or

grow my own garden.

I'm not less of a woman

if I get cranky, irritable,

or argue with my husband,

I'm not less of a woman 

if I sleep til 10 in the morning,

or if I have 10 extra pounds on.

I'm not less of a woman

if I say no to a friend in need.

I'm not less of a woman 

if I'm praised, put down,

mocked, judged, or misunderstood.

Just like you, I am a woman, a wife, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a believer, a non-believer.

Depressed, angry, disappointed, tired, exhausted, hopeful, ambitious, and scared.I am growing, learning, listening, trying, frustrated and hardworking. We are home owners, renters,

business owners, on food stamps, athletes, glamorous, jealous, daring and fearful. We are shy, friendly,

outgoing and hospitable. We are sick, well, and everything in between. We struggle, strive, and succeed.

We laugh, cry and scream. We're quiet, we talk, and we are silent. We are moved, sensitive, and 

emotional. We are full of energy, and we have nothing left. We give, we take and we share. We are

fashionable and unfashionable. We are high and low. Tall and short. Heavy, thin and everything in

between. We are teachers, instructors, and students. We are academic, articulate and ignorant.

We are scholars, theologians, and skeptics. We are artists, engineers, and baristas. We are lovers,

fighters and companions. We give advice, listen well and interrupt. We fall, and stand tall. We are strong we are weak. We are homemakers, foster families, and adopters. We are blessed we are cursed. We are rich we are poor. We are compassionate and rude. We are high and we are low, we are together and alone. We are creative and we are brainy. We are grandmothers, dancers and we are retired.

Put together we are so much. Each important, each our own purpose. Each our own story and journey. Our beautiful, messy, complicated, difficult, wild, crazy, blessed journey.

*My poem is a collection
of examples and heart cries
that I have heard from other
woman. Things they have 
shared with me or things
I've been keen to along 
the way. Do you recognize
yourself?

When The Sun Goes Down

When the sun goes down, 

are you angry?

Are you hurting?

When the sun goes down,

have you been grateful for the day and 

for it's small treasures?

When the sun goes down,

have you forgiven others, 

let go of your grudge, 

or your contempt?

When the sun goes down,

are you worried, stressed,

and anxious?

When the sun goes down,

are you thankful for another day,

because each one is such a gift?

When the sun goes down,

are you thinking of those in need,

who could use a friend or helping hand?

When the sun goes down,

have you acknowledged God

and His awesomeness? 

I've been trying to be mindful about these things before the sun goes down each night.

I can answer "yes" to some and "no" to some. I'm a work in progress as I'm guessing you are too.

But it all starts with being mindful, and letting things go that need to go. And recognizing what needs to be

recognized. So much of the time we don't want to do the hard work and look at ourselves--we don't want to know where our hearts are, because then we have to deal with it. Who wants to do that?

I'm realizing when I do deal with it, I'm lighter. I'm freer. It's easier to let go of all that I hold so tightly too. So much of it that isn't even good for me. This clears my mind, my heart and my body.

What's waiting for you at sunset?

Breakthroughs

I'm beginning to see the light!

If you've been around my blog for any amount of time in the last 2 years or so, you know how close my teenage daughter and I are. You'd also know that that relationship has shifted through the last year or so and it's been hard on me. Up until about a year ago, this girl depended on me still. She needed me. She wanted me. She liked me. Ok, maybe she still likes me technically, but she was still "into" me. Then she started pulling away and that confused me. She started not needing me in the same ways (and I'm being very vague because there is so much to write about but I don't want to focus on this today). I couldn't understand what was happening to the relationship that we had held for so long. I think because this pulling away for independence happened so much later for her than most teens, is why it was so hard for me. It shocked me actually. Geez, it's like I missed the memo on the fact that your teenage kids pull away and search for their own freedom and try to survive on their own two wings. Hello.

Her changing rocked my world. I process things. I am a reflector, therefore a processor. That means when things happen in my life, I try to figure out what they mean, what they will represent, what God is doing and so forth. I'm always seeking the wisdom and the goodness that is there. And I'm always looking for the answers and trying to figure out how I'll get through something that affects me so deeply)but actually, it was when I decided to let go, that I started to make these breakthroughs, funny how that happens, when you stop trying to "figure it out", is when you figure it out).

This passed year with Madelynn changing has been no different for me. I have kicked, screamed, cried, whined, and even taken some of my pain out on her. Not my proudest moments. But hey, my life as I knew it was changing, my very essence of motherhood was shifting, and I was scared.

I realized last week that I missed her. I missed my girl. I missed how things once were. For the last year I have been so focused on all the losses that were coming with this point in motherhood, that I couldn't see any new gains. You know that feeling when you are hurting, or confused and people try to tell you truth or something that will make you feel better? Or they give you their experience to try to help you see it in a new way but you just can't because you are so stuck?

I've had precious people share stuff with me about this whole transition period I am in with my daughter (she's 18 now btw), and a lot of what they've shared actually has helped factually, but I couldn't really take it as my truth or apply it to my situation, because I was drowning in my own misery of motherhood. My heart was so swollen from pain, I couldn't really believe it.

I see now that what others have shared with me really did affect me. I just didn't see it come full circle or believe it until now. I didn't "see the light" until just today!!!

via

Here's the thing--if we think about our relationships, even marriage for instance. We all get stuck on what we think it is or what we want or what we want to hang onto. So many of us are ignorant to what marriage really is when we get married, that once we are married and in it for years and years, we wonder why it is the way it is. Stick with me. I have held onto my marriage from when it first started, meaning, when things have changed and didn't go at all how I thought they would, I was confused once again! For so long I longed for what my marriage "once was". I craved it. I longed for it and I mourned it. The early years. Gosh the early years. I finally realized, it wasn't coming back! Marriage changes, and quickly, and constantly. Friendships do as well. But I'm convinced we think they have stayed the same and we treat those relationships like they have, and that causes issues and tension in our own hearts and the lives of others.

I think it's why so many of us feel nostalgia when we think of our parents when we were little. Or at least I do. I had some rough childhood years, but there are sweet moments I have collected that I remember and long for. It hurts to think of them actually. I want them back in a way. But see, that changes too, our relationship with our parents. Nothing, I mean nothing, stays the same. I think our creatures of habit selves cling to what we know or what we are comfortable with or what we really held dear. And when change occurs, it can leave us confused, desolate, and feeling hopeless. And that's what's happened with motherhood for me.

My very role is changing before my eyes. What once was, will no longer be. What?!?
I'm still having trouble with that, but, I now am starting to see that light. I see the positive side of her spreading her wings and trying to survive without me. Gosh Gina, duh! I see the good side of her gaining independence, and I see a beautiful future as she becomes the woman she will be! I see and feel excitement thinking about what is ahead instead of focusing on what I have lost behind me. As many old chapters as there is in motherhood there are a hundred plus more in my new phase of motherhood. What a blessing that is!!! I pray that we will see a day of college graduation, engagement, marriage, grandchildren, her first house, all of the super exciting beginnings for her, I'll be able to enjoy and my heart will be fuller than it's ever been!

And the coolest part will be that I will not have to be doing the hard work like I've done for almost 20 years, I just get to enjoy the benefits (at least I hope to) of her life as an adult!

I too get to start a new life, just like her. New discoveries, new adventures, and new freedoms. It's been a while friends.

So here's to new beginnings, letting go of what was, and hope for the future--because unknown territory doesn't have to be a scary thing, it can be an amazing thing.

Around Here

It still looks like Christmas around here folks, and we all couldn't be more stir crazy for Spring! I think I'm convinced it's not going to happen :/
But at least it's been a beautiful winter!

I finally bought this donut maker I've been wanting, it went on clearance at Target so I snagged it up!
YUM, seriously, so good!

I love the winter light seeping in through my bedroom window.

I have a new little corner in my house, and I love it!
I think I will tweak it here and there, but so far so good.

And ya, I turned---{cough cough}, 39!!!

I was determined to NOT wear boots on my birthday, so I wore my cute new clogs. Svens, check them out!

A pretty cupcake from my sister!

Good coffee, LavAzza is my fave!

The three of us had some fun with the mirrors at the Mall of America.

Pretty packages in the mail!

I received some really precious gifts, but this one held such a huge spot in my heart. It's from a reader, turned good friend, and this is my profile and it's a map of Italy! I adore it SO much.

I've been getting a lot of embroidery done, I have 8 hoops hanging in a shop in Wisconsin!
Here are some I have shipped off!

Also been making lots of dishcloths, they are my favorite to use so I'm trying to replace my other ones.

I've been watching The Forsyte Saga, anyone else? I love it!!! Been crocheting a basket while I do that.
It turned out pretty well, there are a few imperfections, but who or what doesn't have imperfections?

Along with donut makin I made a Pumpkin Spice cake, my family went nutso!

This sour cream peach pancake recipe is seriously the bomb. My husband kept his eyes closed the whole time while eating them! The recipe is from the Smitten Kitchen cookbook.

We made Gnocchi with my dad and it was awesome, ever make it? They turned out splendidly!

Coffee dates with my husband have been nice.

Coffee date with dad.

Visiting my artist friend Lois at the home, and admiring her studio.
Her Frida is amazing.

Winter has wore Nells out--he was just diagnosed with Arthritis in his hips and knees really bad--he's doing much better though on his new meds and supplements, thank goodness!

Madelynn auditioned live at Bethel for a music scholarship--she sang two pieces, she was incredible. This girl works so hard, so proud.

My popcorn grannies are really coming along, I have 46 so far, and I need about 80 for a full afghan!

Peppermint tea for an upset tummy and lots of knitting!

What have you been up too?

I Chase The Moon

I'm reading Ann Voscamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. I like it because she talks mainly about how the root of our inner struggles and discontentment have to do with ingratitude. She uses the word Eucharisteo as in giving thanks for everything, I mean everything. Having that be the way of the eyes, the way we see things. I really like this book. But what's surprised me the most is a chapter where she starts talking about beauty. I rarely hear authors talk about it, or people for that matter, so it has been a lovely surprise! I finally feel like I can relate to someone when it comes to chasing beauty, and having it be all consuming.

See, I've always felt like my hunt for beauty is a burden. It feels so heavy sometimes, my fervent search for all things beautiful, good or bad, happy or sad, hard or easy, nature or people. I'm constantly seeking beauty. And because most people around me don't operate that way, it can be a challenge. People don't seem to understand. I feel out of place. I feel silly and down right dumb sometimes because of my "child like" ways. So when I was reading this book, I felt a huge relief, "I'm not alone! There are others that are freaks just like me!"

Ever since I can remember, and I've asked my parents too (they said since I was a toddler), I have appreciated, sought out and got excited in the beauty of things. Whatever it might be. I could be in amazement over the stars, like literally where I can't move on or function until I feel I can grasp their beauty and wonder. Or other countries for instance. I am in awe of the uniqueness and the beauty they hold. Or our creation, all around us; in animals, trees, flowers, insects, snow, rain, clouds, grass, the moon of course and the air itself! Or in museums, or art galleries, or musical instruments--it all amazes me! Every function of every living thing blows my mind.

"All beauty is only reflection." Ann Voscamp

I wonder all the time why I am like this! It's a burden because sometimes, a lot of times, I hold people up, meaning I take longer when it comes to so many things, whether I'm taking pictures, staring at something or simply just enjoying what's before me. People also think I'm different or weird, maybe even silly. But I don't plan it to be this way, it just is. Here is an excellent quote by C.S. Lewis that helps explain my inner:

"What more, you may ask, do we want? Ah, but we want so much more--something the books on aesthetics take little notice of. But the poets and the mythologies know all about it. We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words--to be untied with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become a part of it." 

Beauty is the way of the inner eye. Ann Voscamp in One Thousand Gifts

I don't think I'll settle down in my quest for beauty. Beauty around me, beauty in people, beauty in what's broken--anything in my life or what is around me, I want to see it, and experience it. I crave it. I long for it in the depths. For me, it's the only way to live. The only way to function. The only way to breathe.